Still a Boy Is Dead

By Jeff McKown

No one was murdered.
No physical violence was inflicted.
No weapons were used, save for a webcam.
Still, a boy is dead.

No one was shot.
No punches were thrown.
No deadly intent or premeditation, save for humiliation.
Still, a boy is dead.

No battle was waged.
No crimes of war committed.
No declarations or gauntlets thrown down, save for harmless taunting.
Still, a boy is dead.

No one was there.
No last minute plea was made.
No way out, save for the cold water below.
And now, a boy is dead.



Related Posts:
The Sad Death and Short Life of Tyler Clementi
Jury Reached Verdict In Webcam Bullying Trial
Dharun Ravi Receives 30-Day Jail Sentence

Dharun Ravi Receives 30-Day Jail Sentence In Tyler Clementi Webcam Case

Clementi and Ravi

Former Rutgers student Dharun Ravi was sentenced today to 30 days in jail, 300 hours of community service, and 3 years of probation for using a webcam to illegally spy on his college roommate having sex.

Ravi was also penalized with a stiff fine, as he was ordered to make a payment of $10,000 to a community-based organization that assists victims of bias crimes.

This seems reasonable, harsh even, until you consider that the roommate involved in the incident, Tyler Clementi, was a vulnerable 18 year-old boy grappling to come to terms with his homosexuality. Clementi, who was mortally embarrassed by the webcam spying, jumped to his death from the George Washington Bridge a few days later.

In March, Ravi was found guilty of bias intimidation and invasion of privacy, crimes which carried up to a ten-year prison sentence. After his conviction, a great deal of debate ensued about how much responsibility, legal or otherwise, Ravi should shoulder for the death of Clementi. Ravi's actions did, in all likelihood, lead to Clementi's decision to kill himself in September 2010, but the Rutgers student had no other direct involvement in the suicide.

Many followers of the trial, including some gay rights advocates, believed that imposing the full ten-year sentence would be unduly harsh.

Turn of Phrase - The Wisdom of Kurt Cobain

"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." 


- From Kurt Cobain, lead singer of grunge-rock band Nirvana, who died of a self-inflicted shotgun wound in 1994 at the age of 27.

A hand-written letter believed to be his suicide note was discovered near Kobain's body, although only the bottom portion of the letter appears to be related to the rocker's intent to kill himself.


Today is Cobain's birthday. He would be 45 years-old.

The Sad Death and Short Life of Tyler Clementi

Tyler Clementi

Tyler Clementi was a gay eighteen year-old freshman at Rutgers University who was struggling to come to grips with his own sexual identity.

Dharun Ravi was Tyler's roommate, who along with his friend Molly Wei, used a hidden webcam to secretly record a dorm room sexual encounter Tyler had with another man.

Upon learning that Dharun and Molly planned to broadcast the video online, Tyler jumped to his death from the George Washington Bridge in New York.

Today, nearly a year and a half after the suicide of Tyler Clementi, jury selection begins in the trial of Dharun Ravi, who is charged with bias intimidation, invasion of privacy, and hindering prosecution.

It's natural to be angry at those who bully others, and it's easy to be enraged by the continuing onslaught of gay teen suicides. What's far more difficult is to look closer at the real lives of those young people, who in the face of ultimate desperation, believed that only one path remained for them - and they killed themselves.

For us to honestly grasp what is sacrificed each time a young gay brother or sister believes suicide is the only way out, we must first seek to truly understand who we have lost.

James Clementi has recently published a series of short letters he wrote to his younger brother Tyler. His letters are not easy to read, but they are too important not to read, and they do a beautiful job of helping us fully realize what we all lost on September 22, 2010 - when Tyler jumped off that bridge and drowned in the Hudson River.

The letters from James to Tyler can be found here.



Related Posts: A 14 Year-Old Boy Is Dead, Jamie Hubley - Another Gay Teen Suicide, When "It Gets Better" Isn't Good Enough,

When "It Gets Better" Isn't Good Enough

Eric James Borges, dead at 19

Why are some of the gay teens who make It Gets Better videos still killing themselves?

Three days ago 19 year-old gay California teen Eric James Borges ended his life. One month before his death, EricJames, as he liked to be called by his friends, participated in the It Gets Better project. In the five minute video he produced for the program, he paints a vivid picture of the shame and painful rejection he experienced as a gay teen, but by the end of his video, he assures other GLBT youth that their lives will eventually become easier, as they grow and mature, and gain new experience and perspectives.

In September 2011, 14 year-old Jamey Rodemeyer, who was also a bullied and ostracized gay teen, ended his life. Four months prior to his death, Jamey, like EricJames, recorded a video for It Gets Better in which he urges other struggling GLBT kids to be strong, and then convincingly reassures them that their lives, while tough right now, will most assuredly improve over time. 

It's understandable how the current generation of teenage kids are naturally drawn to the internet to connect with others who may understand and empathize with their struggles. It's also logical that kids who have been raised in our age of vast technological interconnectedness use the internet to find solutions to the sometimes seemingly hopeless situations in which they find themselves. 

What is less clear and far more disheartening is that teens like Jamey and EricJames would actually discover many of the programs made available to them, and even participate in using these resources to assist both themselves and others, and then still choose to take their own lives. Somehow, these kids were selfless enough to try and convince others who are suffering that "it gets better," while clearly never really buying into the message themselves.

Jamie Hubley - Another Gay Teen Suicide

Jamie Hubley, Ottawa Canada, 1996-2011

I wish I didn't have to write this post, and I'm sorry you have to read it.

I wish I had just finished reading more online about the economy or the rapture or baseball.

I even wish this was another painful follow-up post about Jamey Rodemeyer, the bullied gay teen who committed suicide last month. It's not.

I wish damaged human beings with complex problems received only love and support, instead of bigger and higher hurdles than they already have.

But wishes like these don't come true.

Jamie Hubley was a 15 year-old gay teen from Canada, the son of a city councilor, who committed suicide this past weekend. He was an avid blogger, he was an excellent figure skater, he was passionate about music. He was a boy.

According to the few news reports I have seen, Jamie was a deeply troubled young man who suffered from severe depression. Like Jamey Rodemeyer, he chose to document his sadness online. His Tumblr blog entitled You can't break...When you're already broken is fraught with the kind of uber-dramatic words and images you might expect from a boy who is crying out for help. It is difficult to read and not appropriate for everyone. Jamie did receive help from his parents, doctors, and counselors, but as with Jamey Rodemeyer, the struggle to go on living was simply too great in the end.

In a heart-wrenching written statement, Jamie's father acknowledged the many overwhelming challenges his son faced, and while perhaps not the only reason for Jamie's decision to commit suicide, being bullied as a gay teen was a factor. Jamie's father also said this:

"Over the years I have tried to help a lot of people and I was very proud that my beautiful boy was also learning the joy that comes from helping others. I need time to deal with the pain of not being able to save my precious boy and will speak more on his life and these issues later."

Jamie's father's full statement is eloquent and beautifully written. I hope you'll take a few minutes to read and reflect on it. There is nothing else I can find to say about this.

A 14 Year Old Boy Is Dead - Please Take Action

Almost everyday, I come to Starbucks and I write, but I don't usually have to fight back tears as I do it. I am seated at my usual table, sipping my usual drink, working on my everyday blog, but today is different. Today, I stumbled across the story of Jamey Rodemeyer, a 14 year old boy who committed suicide last week.

Jamey was a gay teenager who was struggling to come to terms with his own sexuality, and as if that wasn't enough for a young teenage boy to handle, he was being bullied both at school and online. 

From the Buffalo News article about his death:

"I always say how bullied I am, but no one listens," Jamey wrote online on September 9. "What do I have to do so people will listen to me?"  

Just over one week later, Jamey was found dead outside his home of an apparent suicide.

Now we know how Jamey answered his own question. Those who knew and loved Jamey had an awareness of his struggles, and he did have help, but not enough. He had friends and he saw both a therapist and a social worker. Still, he continued to be bullied at school and online. He made the mistake of starting a Formspring account where people could make anonymous comments, and they did.

"JAMIE IS STUPID, GAY, FAT ANND UGLY. HE MUST DIE!" read one post.

Another read: "I wouldn't care if you died. No one would. So just do it :) It would make everyone WAY more happier!"

I learned about Jamey through a post on Facebook from the It Gets Better project. The project compiles short videos from famous (athletes, celebs, etc) and not-so-famous people who have a supportive personal story or message to share in the hopes of reassuring struggling GLBT youth that they should hang on, as life does eventually "get better."

It breaks my heart to tell you that young Jamey Rodemeyer not only knew about "It Gets Better," but he also had enough love in his heart to make a supportive video of his own. The video painfully shows us the beauty of Jamey's open and tender heart, and it serves as proof that Jamey had hope for his own life as recently as May 2011 when it was posted. In the end though, the brutal hatred and intolerance he faced were simply too much for such a fragile soul. I wish I could make every person I know watch his video. And since you've read this far, why don't you? Now.

That brave young man is dead now. So, what's the lesson here? Fuck if I know. If I have to find one, I'd say it's - don't hate a child. And don't let anyone else get away with that, either. Even other children. Stand up and show your love instead, because your love matters. Maybe not every time, but sometimes. 

Sometimes love triumphs over hate. Sometimes love salves the vicious wounds that hate inflicts. Sometimes love restores a soul that has been crushed beneath the unbearable weight of hate. Sometimes love slowly weaves its way into an unimaginably broken heart and repairs the devastation. Sometimes, but not every time. Sometimes, there just isn't enough love in the world, and sometimes, it's just too late. RIP Jamey.