Celebrating National Coming Out Day and Remembering Matthew Shepard

This is a 2018 update of an article that was originally published in October 2011.

What a strange coincidence that the celebratory National Coming Out Day event occurs each year on October 11, the day before the anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death.

At the risk of dampening the uplifting message of NCOD, I like to use this time each year to remember Matthew, and in so doing, bring attention to the enormous need we have for greater tolerance in our society, as well as the importance of showing support for those among us who struggle to accept their own sexuality.

Matthew Shepard

Matthew Shepard was 21 years old when he died twenty years ago on October 12th, 1998.

He was one of two sons born to his mother Judy and his father Dennis, along with his younger brother Logan.

He was a student at the University of Wyoming. He loved politics and traveling.

He was a slight kid, measuring only 5'3" tall and weighing not much more than 100 pounds. Matthew was gay.

Just after midnight on one cold night in early October, Matthew met Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson at the Fireside Lounge in Laramie, Wyoming. Under the guise of giving Matthew a ride home, the two men, also both in their early twenties, drove Matthew to a ranch in a remote area outside of Laramie.

It was in this secluded setting on the outskirts of town where McKinney and Henderson brutally pistol whipped Matthew and beat him savagely. They delivered repeated blows to Matthew's head, which fractured his skull in multiple places and left more than a dozen lacerations on his face and neck. The two men pummeled Matthew so badly that his brain was no longer able to regulate his heart rate, body temperature, or other vital functions.

The fence.

And when they were finished ruining this young man, McKinney and Henderson took his wallet and shoes, tied him to a fence, and left him to die alone in the near freezing darkness of a cold Wyoming night.

Eighteen hours later, Matthew was discovered by a cyclist who found him tied to the fence, and who at first, believed him to be a scarecrow. Matthew was taken to the hospital where his injuries were deemed too severe for doctors to operate. He survived a few days in intensive care, never regaining consciousness, and having no chance to say goodbye to his mother, father or brother, before he was pronounced dead at 12:53 a.m. on October 12.

The world has changed dramatically in the twenty years since Matthew's murder.
 

Daily Zen - Thursday, October 11

In a perfect world, I don't think it [one's sexual orientation] is anyone else's business, but I do think there is value in standing up and being counted. 

                ~ Anderson Cooper

Turn of Phrase - Russell Simmons Steps Up As R&B Star Frank Ocean Comes Out

R&B singer Frank Ocean

"I am profoundly moved by the courage and honesty of Frank Ocean. 

Your decision to go public about your sexual orientation gives hope and light to so many young people still living in fear."

- From entertainment mogul and entrepreneur Russell Simmons, in response to the immensely personal and profound coming out Tumblr post of rising R&B music star Frank Ocean. 

Like CNN's Anderson Cooper who made a not-so-surprising announcement about his sexuality earlier this week, Frank Ocean shared the story of his sexual identity through a very low-key internet post. The 24 year-old Ocean began his online letter simply and beautifully:

"Whoever you are, wherever you are...I'm starting to think we're a lot alike. Human beings spinning on blackness. All wanting to be seen, touched, heard, paid attention to."

And then he went on to tell the story of his first true love, who, even to Ocean's surprise it seemed, happened to be a man.

As with Anderson Cooper, Frank Ocean's personal revelation brings with it the potential for significant career damage. If Cooper's concerns about his privacy and perceived objectivity were great, Ocean's worries about perceptions of his masculinity must surely have been even greater. 

The success of a male R&B singer is driven largely by the performer's ability to sell his primal sensuality. Add to that the notion that the R&B/Rap music scene has been regularly unfriendly to the gay community, and the immense degree of courage and boldness of Ocean's coming out becomes even more apparent.

It was partly these unfortunate soul music industry realities that motivated the legendary Russell Simmons to step up and extol the virtue of Ocean's actions. In addition to praising Ocean's honesty and courage, Simmons challenged the entire R&B/Rap community:

"Today is a big day for hip-hop. It is a day that will define who we really are. How compassionate will we be? How loving can we be? How inclusive are we?"

Those are big important questions, and with the release of Ocean's debut album "Channel Orange" on July 17, we'll have our answers soon enough.

Turn of Phrase - Anderson Cooper Comes Out Officially and Quietly

CNN journalist Anderson Cooper

"I’ve also been reminded recently that while as a society we are moving toward greater inclusion and equality for all people, the tide of history only advances when people make themselves fully visible. 

There continue to be far too many incidences of bullying of young people, as well as discrimination and violence against people of all ages, based on their sexual orientation, and I believe there is value in making clear where I stand."

- From CNN News anchor Anderson Cooper, explaining his decision to openly discuss his gayness. Cooper shared the truth about his sexual orientation in a low-key manner, through a classy and eloquent email he wrote to journalist and blogger Andrew Sullivan.

The decision to come out must have been incredibly difficult for Cooper. While he is personally comfortable as a gay man, in his letter he discusses his fear of losing the last shreds of his privacy and his concern over having his professional objectivity called into question. Clearly though, his sense of personal responsibility to the causes of young gay people, marriage equality, and society in general outweighed his concerns about coming out. 

Coming out is hard. Each of us who eventually reaches the decision to share the truth about our sexual orientation has fought our personal demons, fears, and doubts along the way. 

But it's incredibly important that those of us who can come out, do come out. Gay people, especially younger folks, need good role models, and straight people benefit from seeing that gay people are not so different. 

The world needs more Anderson Coopers.

Turn of Phrase - Pro Soccer Player Comes Out

David Testo
Gay Pro Soccer Player

"We knew David's orientation prior to him joining our club in 2007. During his career in Montreal he has always been a professional and dedicated player to this club, on and off the field. His decision to go public must have been a difficult one, and we respect it."

- From Joey Saputo, president of the Montreal Impact soccer team, on the recent coming out of professional soccer player David Testo.

Testo was an Impact midfielder from 2007-2011.


Several thoughts crossed my mind when I read about the soccer player's bold announcement.

1. Well done, David Testo!
2. If soccer were more popular, this would have been much bigger news.
3. When will other gay professional athletes sack up and come out? (There have been a few brave souls, but not enough, especially from the big three - football, baseball, basketball.)

Lastly, good for Joey Saputo and his sports organization. We can only hope that when more American athletes eventually make the tough decision to announce their gayness that our professional sports teams and executives will be as gracious and supportive as the Canadians have been.