Bank of America Cancels New Fee Idea

Dear BOA,

You screwed me over and we broke up. Then you tried some half-ass stunt to get back together, and I saw right through you. Now, you say you're canceling the new fee completely? Okay, fine. I'll meet you, but it's just coffee.

Cautiously,
Jeff

Dear Bank of America - It's Too Late Baby

Bank of America HQ
Charlotte, NC

Dear Bank of America,

You are some piece of work. 

A month ago I wrote and published our public break-up letter, and now that you realize what you've lost, you're ready to come crawling back. I read that you decided the whole debit card usage fee was a bad idea, so you're willing to give me lots of ways to avoid it. 

Pathetic. There was a time when I might have come back for some gimmick like that, but now I know you'll only screw me some other way. 

You'll never change. It's these kinds of stunts that made me feel cheap and used when I was with you. I could never give you everything you wanted, and you never cared about what I wanted. You never even asked me. You couldn't maintain a decent banking relationship with Warren Buffet (and everyone knows how willing he is to give it up). 

Nice try BOA, but it's too little, too late babe. Besides, I'm actually seeing a couple of credit unions now. It's kind of nice to see banks that aren't out there on every street corner, whoring it up. They aren't as flashy as you; they're kind of like diamonds in the rough. But they seem to appreciate me, and at least they give me a little respect when I come around.

Anyway, good luck finding another guy (that is, if you can find someone you haven't already screwed).

Jeff

PS: The shape of your corporate headquarters building kind of says it all.

BOA Website Plagued by Issues - Coincidence?

Bank of America began having serious website issues on Friday, one day after it announced the $5 monthly fee for those who use debit cards to make purchases (as opposed to using it as just an ATM card I suppose?).

A bank spokesperson said site outages and customer access issues are unrelated to the announcement of the new fee. I say...she hasn't heard about karma.

Not to worry BOA customers - the bank is working on resolution and encourages you to just "keep trying" to access the site. Because your lives are empty, and you have nothing better to do. I'm sure they will be able to provide reliable web access to the site (and to your account info) as soon as the new "internet upgrade fee" is dreamed up and goes into effect.

Dear Bank of America - Get Bent

Dear BOA,

I just read that you are going to start charging me $5 every month for the convenience of using the debit card you gave me (so you could save money by not having to process the paper checks I write). I have to tell you - this is the last straw for me. You've broken my heart for the last time. You've made me feel used and stupid - and I can't take it any more.

Our relationship felt so right in the beginning. It was give and take between us, and we were good for each other. But lately, every time we talk, it's all about you and how tough you have it. Me, me, me is all I ever hear from you. I know you've hit a real rough patch lately (haven't we all), but I have to say babe, you brought this shit on yourself. I didn't tell you to speculate on those wack ass mortgage securities. You did that on your own and you never even asked what I thought. Honestly, I think you got greedy, and when it blew back in your face a little bit, you tried to put it off on me. I'm sorry BOA, call me heartless, but I just can't feel bad for you.