I just read that you are going to start charging me $5 every month for the convenience of using the debit card you gave me (so you could save money by not having to process the paper checks I write). I have to tell you - this is the last straw for me. You've broken my heart for the last time. You've made me feel used and stupid - and I can't take it any more.
Our relationship felt so right in the beginning. It was give and take between us, and we were good for each other. But lately, every time we talk, it's all about you and how tough you have it. Me, me, me is all I ever hear from you. I know you've hit a real rough patch lately (haven't we all), but I have to say babe, you brought this shit on yourself. I didn't tell you to speculate on those wack ass mortgage securities. You did that on your own and you never even asked what I thought. Honestly, I think you got greedy, and when it blew back in your face a little bit, you tried to put it off on me. I'm sorry BOA, call me heartless, but I just can't feel bad for you.
Seriously, if you look back on our whole relationship, it's been all about you.
- I opened a checking account - you charged me $12 a month if I didn't keep a bunch of money there.
- I opened a savings account and you paid me less than half a percent interest - all the while you reinvested my money and actually made a profit from it.
- I used the credit card you gave me (begging me to buy nice things) and when I occasionally didn't pay it off monthly - you charged me 12.5% interest on my purchases.
- If I need to get cash from an ATM that's not one of your bank branches - I have to pay $2.50 just to get my own damn money (and I'm sure you get your share out of that).
- When I screwed up my timing (because you "put a hold" on a check I gave you), and yes, it's happened once or twice over the years, you stuck me with an overdraft fee.
- You helped me buy a house - I paid you mortgage interest and you made me buy ridiculously expensive mortgage insurance "just in case" something happened (which it never did).
- You offered me that home equity loan - I paid you interest.
- We bought a car. I paid it off in 60 months, but by the time I was done, you got 30% more from me than the car was ever really worth.
I don't make you process paper checks any more, and I haven't seen a teller in two years. If I need you, I call you and have to spend precious minutes of my life trapped in your hell-ish automated phone tree, begging for an option to press "0" just so I can get a real person on the line who might be willing to help me.
Our relationship over the years has dwindled to the point where it's really nothing more than a few minutes each month spent with your online interface and a visit to an ATM once or twice a week. I have really tried to be low maintenance for you, I tried to ask for little and still give you everything - but even that's just not enough for you.
So, this is it Bank of America. It's over. We had a pretty good thing, but you had to go and fuck it up.
PS: I still have that shitty promotional mouse pad you gave me. Come and get it if you want it back.