Celebrating National Coming Out Day and Remembering Matthew Shepard

This is a 2018 update of an article that was originally published in October 2011.

What a strange coincidence that the celebratory National Coming Out Day event occurs each year on October 11, the day before the anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death.

At the risk of dampening the uplifting message of NCOD, I like to use this time each year to remember Matthew, and in so doing, bring attention to the enormous need we have for greater tolerance in our society, as well as the importance of showing support for those among us who struggle to accept their own sexuality.

Matthew Shepard

Matthew Shepard was 21 years old when he died twenty years ago on October 12th, 1998.

He was one of two sons born to his mother Judy and his father Dennis, along with his younger brother Logan.

He was a student at the University of Wyoming. He loved politics and traveling.

He was a slight kid, measuring only 5'3" tall and weighing not much more than 100 pounds. Matthew was gay.

Just after midnight on one cold night in early October, Matthew met Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson at the Fireside Lounge in Laramie, Wyoming. Under the guise of giving Matthew a ride home, the two men, also both in their early twenties, drove Matthew to a ranch in a remote area outside of Laramie.

It was in this secluded setting on the outskirts of town where McKinney and Henderson brutally pistol whipped Matthew and beat him savagely. They delivered repeated blows to Matthew's head, which fractured his skull in multiple places and left more than a dozen lacerations on his face and neck. The two men pummeled Matthew so badly that his brain was no longer able to regulate his heart rate, body temperature, or other vital functions.

The fence.

And when they were finished ruining this young man, McKinney and Henderson took his wallet and shoes, tied him to a fence, and left him to die alone in the near freezing darkness of a cold Wyoming night.

Eighteen hours later, Matthew was discovered by a cyclist who found him tied to the fence, and who at first, believed him to be a scarecrow. Matthew was taken to the hospital where his injuries were deemed too severe for doctors to operate. He survived a few days in intensive care, never regaining consciousness, and having no chance to say goodbye to his mother, father or brother, before he was pronounced dead at 12:53 a.m. on October 12.

The world has changed dramatically in the twenty years since Matthew's murder.
 

Turn of Phrase - The NFL Finally Comes Out

Kluwe, Ayanbadejo, and Burns

"I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful c*ckmonster.

They won’t overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children.

You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else..."

- From Chris Kluwe, punter for the Minnesota Vikings, in a letter he wrote to Maryland state delegate Emmett Burns, after Burns recommended the coercion and censoring of pro-LGBT Baltimore Ravens player Brendon Ayanbadejo.

Although the full story has been widely reported and Kluwe's letter has gone insanely viral online, it warrants additional discussion here nonetheless. 

For those of you who missed it somehow, here's the play in three acts. 

1. Baltimore Ravens player Brendon Ayanbadejo is a strong and vocal supporter of a November ballot initiative in the state of Maryland that would recognize same-sex marriage. 
2. A Baltimore County delegate, Emmett Burns Jr., is mortified by Ayanbadejo's public support of the measure. Burns sent a letter to the Ravens owner expressing his displeasure with Ayanbadejo and insisting the player be pressured to "cease and desist such injurious actions." 
3. Vikings punter Chris Kluwe, also an advocate for same-sex marriage, delivered a public and verbally brutal beatdown to Burns, in his very direct and powerful open letter. 

The online reaction to Kluwe's letter has been overwhelmingly positive, and LGBT rights groups are understandably thrilled to have both Ayanbadejo and Kluwe weigh-in so forcefully in favor of marriage equality.

The significance of the actions of these bold NFL players cannot be understated.

Making Sense of the Chick-Fil-A Debacle

Call me naïve, but I don't believe the vast majority of people who work for or dine at Chick-Fil-A restaurants actually hate gays and lesbians.

I would argue instead that most members of the right-wing crowd, particularly those who rushed in this week to eat a deep-fried chicken sandwich in support of Chick-Fil-A and traditional marriage, simply don’t understand gayness. And maybe, they even fear it.

Many “family values” supporters earnestly believe that the normalization of gayness in our society somehow threatens their way of life, and so those individuals see their motivation in supporting Chick-Fil-A as protection, not hate. 

A natural by-product of these conservative efforts to defend Judeo-Christian values from perceived attack is the necessary discrimination between hetero and homosexuality. If conservatives believe their biblical interpretation of family values and marriage is right, then any other way must be “wrong.” And who doesn’t like to stand up for what they believe is right?

This is where the problem begins. What is the real value in standing up for religion when doing so genuinely damages other human beings? How does it further the cause of Christ, or even the cause of humanity, when our actions harm others?

I am a grown gay man who has been out to my family and friends for more than two decades. At nearly fifty years old, I know who I am and what my life is worth. But there are many, many gay people who are younger than me, still coming-of-age, still learning about life, still so very impressionable – because they are children. These people, these kids, are the ones who pay the price for the “Godly values” espoused by others, and in far too many instances they pay with their lives.

As a mature fairly self-actualized gay man, whether or not Chick-Fil-A customers believe I am an equal and worthwhile human being has little impact on my emotional well being.

For vulnerable young gay people though, this isn’t so.

Young women and men who grow up confused and frightened by who they are, find the world around them offering not a helping hand, but a punch in the stomach. Young people who live in the shadows, whose very existence brims with doubt, are offered not the light of Christianity, but the dark aloneness of dismissal and rejection. Young people who search, yearn, and beg for understanding, suffer instead the destructive sting of judgment. Young men and women, and sometimes boys and girls, are told by their families and their churches – you are not the same, you are not enough, you are not right.

I don't believe it is the intent of my Christian friends to do devastating emotional injury to children. I know that they are simply working to preserve the way of life that they hold dear and striving to defend their biblical values. Nonetheless, the reactionary public outcry in favor of Chick-Fil-A (and against gay marriage) ultimately reinforces the feelings of isolation and worthlessness that afflict fragile young gay people.

Top Tweets - Breaking Up With Chick-Fil-A

I love Chick-Fil-A sandwiches so much it's sinful.

Not like you love your spouse, and not the way you love your friends or family. I mean...it's more than that.

I'm talking about an intense fiery burning love. A deep unfathomable love, the kind of love that literally grafts itself on to your heart. Immaculate, unshakeable, preternatural love. 

I love Chick-Fil-A sandwiches like Westboro Baptist loves hate, like Kardashians love the NBA, like Rush Limbaugh loves the sound of his own voice.

I love those buttery buns and peppery chicken filets (and on occasion those fried-to-perfection 12-piece nuggets with honey mustard dipping sauce) so much it hurts. Like kittens love catnip, like flowers love rain, like God so loved the world. That's how much.

And that's why breaking up with Chick-Fil-A is hard to do (congrats Neil Sedaka - you were right).

In light of remarks made by Chick-Fil-A president Dan Cathy this week, I can no longer stick my head in the sand. I must acknowledge that some of the money I spend at Chick-Fil-A supports people and organizations who believe I am less.

I must say goodbye, Chick-Fil-A. So long my beautiful sandwich, I'll miss you.

In these first difficult days after my split from Chick-Fil-A, I know Twitter will be there to comfort me and make me smile. Here are a few favorite Tweets so far.

Top 10 Tweets - Christie's Gay Marriage Veto

NJ Governor, Chris Christie

Governor Chris Christie vetoed a bill today that had recently passed the New Jersey legislature which would have legalized gay marriage in the Garden State.

Christie, who many speculate is planning a run for the White House in 2016, attempted to justify his veto, explaining that issues of this magnitude should be decided by a public referendum.

Here are a few of my favorite Tweets on the topic.