Baby Calming Contest Should Replace Debates

President Obama with baby at SFO

President Obama landed at San Francisco International Airport on Tuesday, and he swung into action immediately.

Upon seeing a crying 6 month-old baby, the President approached the mother, took the baby into his arms, and bounced and cooed little Josie until she calmed down.

Consider the skills the Commander-in-Chief demonstrated in this unscheduled event:

- Proactive and effective problem-solving

- Skilled and confident decision-making

- Maintaining calm in the face of a crisis

And most importantly...

- Coddling (a critical skill for interacting with egomaniacal congressional leaders)

As I read about this innocent little incident on the tarmac, I began to imagine how the field of Republican Presidential candidates would have handled the situation. 

I propose that in place of the current candidate debates, with their well-defined procedural rules and canned questions, we simply line the candidates up along the stage and hand each of them a wailing infant. The whole event could be televised and moderated by Florence Henderson.

[Insert dream sequence music and wavy transition images.]

Florence: Governor Romney, please take your baby.

Romney: I'd rather not go first. I prefer to just sit back and wait until the other candidates screw things up with their babies.

Florence: Mr. Cain?

Cain [holds baby high up over his head]: 9-9-9, little one. 9-9-9. Well, if you're hungry and you have no money, it's your own damn fault, you lazy ass baby.

Florence: Mr. Perry...your baby.

Perry [ignores baby]: Do you see how reluctant Mitt is to take on a crying baby? You know, when he was governor of Massachusetts he handled babies just like Obama did. In Texas, our babies don't cry.

Florence: Mrs. Bachmann. You're up.

Bachmann [holds baby frighteningly close to her bosom and whispers]: It's okay, little one. My husband and I hate homosexuals too, littering up our streets like garbage. No worries, God'll get 'em.

Florence: Ummm...thank you for that Mrs. Bachmann. Mr. Paul, your turn. Never mind, no one cares.

Paul: .......

Florence: Mr. Gingrich?

Gingrich [sets baby on podium]: I understand the American people are tired of big government. We need a mature proven leader. We must address our massive deficit, unemployment, and our serious foreign policy issues. [looks at crying baby] Okay, let me be totally honest with you, this whole "president" thing just seemed like something to do. I like talking, but I never really liked babies.

Florence: Mr. Santorum, it's your baby.

Santorum [holds baby under one arm]: Well, I have to agree with Mrs. Bachmann. Homosexual babies must be stopped. These tiny gay Americans are ruining the fabric of family life, with their sissy moaning and their queer slobber. Does this suit make me look gay?

Florence: It's just a baby, Mr. Santorum. But, thank you, I guess. Let's move on, finally, to Ambassador Jon Huntsman. Or do you prefer Governor Huntsman?

Huntsman [smiles and holds quiet sleeping baby in his arms]: Shhhh. You just have to use your head and keep the noise down. 

Florence: Congratulations Mr. Huntsman. Well done, and well said. I hope America is watching and listening. Thank you and goodnight.

Republican Presidential Debate Starts Cannibalism Season

Party politics in the United States seldom yields anything surprising or new, but nothing is so predictable as the intra-party cannibalism that occurs during one of the major parties televised Presidential candidate debates.

If you belong to the party that currently holds the White House, there is almost nothing so wildly entertaining as watching opposition party maneaters swarm into a feeding frenzy when they think they smell an open wound on one of their own kind. It's like watching wild antelope race across the savanna, and then suddenly turn and attack the weakest of their own herd. (Okay, that would actually be grotesque to see in the animal world, but it's great when you are watching opposition party politics.)

At last night's Republican presidential debate in Tampa, Texas Governor and newly-crowned front runner Rick Perry was the seemingly pre-selected target of his peers. Perry took shots from a host of other candidates on topics ranging from taxes to Social Security to the mandated vaccine against HPV in young girls. Pundits generally say that Perry weathered the attack reasonably well...but I say, who cares!

 The almost-primary-season Republican political cannibalism is well underway, and that's the show I'm excited to see. The only thing I will enjoy more is when the race really heats up and they all take outlandish and absurd ultra right-wing political positions ("God makes my tough political decisions," "Gays aren't actually people," "For better or worse, James Earl Ray was just trying to make a point") that will push me solidly back toward my Democratic core and cement my support for President Obama in 2012.

I know the nature of televised intra-party political debates encourages politicians to say the craziest things. Still, these eat-your-own party member buffets do help us see how far to the right (or left) a candidate will go to differentiate him/herself from the field. They probably don't truly believe all the wacky shit they say during the intra-party debates, but they might. Right, Michele Bachmann?