Top 5 Herman Cain Quotes and Rebuttals

Herman Cain, flanked by his wife Gloria.

By now you've heard that Herman Cain is officially out of the presidential race. This is tragic news for bloggers, but hey, we've still got Michele Bachmann. 

In the interest of parting shots, here are my favorite Cain quotes with bonus rebuttals. It feels kind of bad kickin' a guy when he's down, but....nah, it feels good.

"If you don't have a job, and you're not rich, blame yourself."  - Herman Cain addressing supporters of the Occupy Movement.

• "If you cheat on your wife for over a decade, sexually harass multiple women, and don't know shit about foreign policy, blame yourself." - Me, addressing Herman Cain.

"Because of the continued distractions, the continued hurt caused on me and my family..." - Cain explaining his reasons for withdrawing from the race.

• "It's your penis, stupid." - Me, explaining Cain's reasons for withdrawing from the race.

"We are building this campaign team like I would build a business. And that is, we are building it so far with no debt." - Cain on responsible campaign financing.

• "In suspending his candidacy, as opposed to saying that he was quitting the race, Mr. Cain maintained his ability to accept money to pay for his campaign." - New York Times explaining why Cain chose to "suspend" rather than simply end his campaign. 

"Stupid people are ruining America." - Cain telling you what he thinks of you.

• "True, but there is one less stupid person in politics now." - Me telling Cain what I think of him.

"I'm not a professional politician." - Cain stating the obvious.

• "No shit." - Me.
• "You think?"  - Me.
• "Then, you can't be a professional president." - Me.

Related Post: Top Ten Things Cain Needs From Secret Service

Herman Cain Accused of Adulterous Affair

Photo: Reuters/Brian Snyder

A woman named Ginger White told an Atlanta television station today that she had a thirteen year affair with Herman Cain that ended only a few months ago.

Cain denies the allegation, of course, but this time there may be an abundance of physical evidence. More to come in the next few days for sure...

In the meantime, that banging sound in Cain's ears? It's not a migraine - it's the final nails being pounded into his campaign's coffin. Lucky for Newt, his prior infidelity is already public record.

Top Ten Things Herman Cain Needs But Won't Get From the Secret Service

Photo: Fishbowlny.com

Herman Cain is the first of the Republican field of presidential candidates who will receive protection from the United States Secret Service.

The Secret Service will coordinate logistics and provide security for Cain, but his ailing campaign needs a helluva lot more than that.

Here's my list of the top ten things Herman Cain needs from the Secret Service that he probably won't get.

10. Legal representation from Gloria Allred
9. An economic strategy that offers more than a clever name
8. Rescue from declining poll numbers
7. A capacity for empathy
6. World History lessons
5. Geography lessons
4. An internal filter
3. A refresher on the definition of pro-choice
2. A safety word to use when faced with difficult foreign policy questions
1. The location of the secret cave where Mitt Romney hides the rest of his wives

Turn of Phrase - Mrs. Cain Stands By Her Man

Cain and his family
(and Greta Van Sustern from Fox)

"I seriously, in my soul, don't think he's that type of person...he would have to have a split personality to do the things that she said."

- From Gloria Cain during an interview with Fox News, in defense of her husband against multiple sexual harassment accusers, including Sharon Bialek.

If you're 65 years-old, and you've been married to a very wealthy and successful businessman for 43 years, and you have two kids and three grandkids together, how else could you feel? Even if she's troubled by the accusations she's heard, believing in her husband's innocence is self-preservation at this point.

I wonder if Jerry Sandusky's wife feels the same way.

End This Herman Cain Nonsense Now

Herman Cain made an unadulterated dumbass of himself when trying to answer a simple question about his position on Libya, during an interview Monday with the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. I personally have not decided to run for the presidency of the United States, but I could have answered the question more thoughtfully than Cain did. In fact, I could have faked a better answer too.

On several occasions when Cain has proven to be under-prepared and ill-informed, he has fallen back on the bullshit reply that Presidents can't possibly know everything - that's why they surround themselves with the best people. While that is generally true, and while that kind of answer might fly if a reporter is asking you trick questions about "Uze-beki-beki-stan-stan," this question was about LIBYA. Maybe pleading ignorance flies with the board of directors in the high-intensity world of pizza making, but it's an unacceptable and downright shitty answer to give when you're asking to be the guy who holds the fate of the free world in his palm.

The pizza man cometh.

Even without the swirling sexual harassment controversy, this video should be enough to send the staunchest Cain supporter packing. Cain might be smart enough to succeed as a motivational speaker or pizza magnate, but he has never held elective office, he has zero experience in public governance, and his understanding of important and weighty presidential responsibilities is riddled with gaping holes.

Herman Cain's 9-9-9 Tax Plan for Dummies

Can thousands of pages of tax
code be replaced with 9-9-9?

Like most Americans, I am seriously frustrated and concerned by the lack of forward progress in our nation's economy. Like the 53% of Americans who voted for the Democratic candidate in the 2008 presidential election, I believed Barack Obama might have the ideas to lead the economic charge. So far, not so much.

Regardless of where you stand on the Obama presidency, you have to admit that the economy blows. The stock market is a volatile mess, home prices are stagnant at best, unemployment remains high, foreclosures continue, and overall growth is slow. Reasonable people, of which I like to think I am one, have to be open to new ideas, because business as usual has turned out to be bad business.

Enter Herman Cain and his 9-9-9 Plan.

I have done my homework and have reached a conclusion about the plan. But let's not put the cart before the horse. First, four basic facts about the plan, presented as simply as I can.

1. Cain proposes that we completely abolish the current tax code, which is universally detested, overly complex, and potentially "unfair." (Cheap applause because everyone hates the tax code.)
2. Cain proposes that we replace the tax code with the very simple 9-9-9 Plan: this means corporations pay a 9% tax rate, individuals pay a 9% income tax rate, and we implement a 9% national sales tax on things we purchase (like groceries and other consumer goods).
3. Cain proposes the elimination of payroll deductions (Social Security, Medicare) from our paychecks and the elimination of the capital gains tax, the estate/death tax, and virtually all other personal taxes.
4. Cain claims that if we implement the 9-9-9 Plan, the total revenue trade off for our government is neutral. Intake from the old tax code would be essentially the same as intake from the 9-9-9 plan. (That's how they arrived at 9% as the magic the number.)

Now, for a little analysis. Let's think about the most fundamental implications of putting this plan into place.