Top Ten Things Herman Cain Needs But Won't Get From the Secret Service

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Herman Cain is the first of the Republican field of presidential candidates who will receive protection from the United States Secret Service.

The Secret Service will coordinate logistics and provide security for Cain, but his ailing campaign needs a helluva lot more than that.

Here's my list of the top ten things Herman Cain needs from the Secret Service that he probably won't get.

10. Legal representation from Gloria Allred
9. An economic strategy that offers more than a clever name
8. Rescue from declining poll numbers
7. A capacity for empathy
6. World History lessons
5. Geography lessons
4. An internal filter
3. A refresher on the definition of pro-choice
2. A safety word to use when faced with difficult foreign policy questions
1. The location of the secret cave where Mitt Romney hides the rest of his wives