Siri Gets Baked

Siri, the new "personal assistant" application that was part of the recent Apple software and iPhone release, finds answers to complex questions (like "where is the nearest Taco Bell") and tells them to you.

Since the release of Siri, bored nerds everywhere have been laboring to find the most clever or obscene uses for this talking computer application (something I have been doing for years with the PDF read-aloud function).

Anyway, I think we have a winner - Siri Gets Baked.

Westboro Baptist Protests at Apple HQ

A counter-protester with a direct approach.
Photo: Taken at Cupertino High School

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church protested at a local high school and outside the corporate headquarters of Apple, Inc. in Cupertino, CA this morning.

According to the group's website (godhatesfags.com), the protest was scheduled to last from 9:00 - 10:00 a.m. and intended to coincide with a planned memorial service for Apple co-founder Steve Jobs.

Surprisingly, and to my disappointment, when I arrived on the scene at 9:30 a.m., the pathetic handful of placard-wielding hatemongers had already dispersed.


I was sorry not to meet the WBC face-to-face, though if I had, I'm not sure how I would have addressed them. In recent days, I contemplated the most effective options for confronting WBC protesters - Logical argument or religious debate? Creating my own hateful placards and yelling angry obscenities? Gentle but firm nudging with the front bumper of my car? All tempting approaches to be sure.

I ultimately concluded that there is no way to confront the WBC and win. Because of their demented belief that they are literally the chosen few, handpicked by their God to deliver his hate-filled message, they cannot be reasoned with, persuaded, or even insulted. The only way to defeat the WBC is to refuse to confront them, to dismiss them and wait patiently for them to die off one by one. Recognizing that ignoring them is likely the best tactic, I realize that just by showing up and paying attention to them, I conceded defeat. So be it.

Counter-protester with a religious appeal.

I came to meet the WBC here in Cupertino, if for no other reason than to let them know that they cannot go about their business of hating people unopposed.

As it turns out, there were dozens of counter-protesters who felt the same way.

The less than ten WBC members who flew in from Topeka were greeted by counter-protesters who outnumbered them about 10 to 1.

Straight-forward, I suppose.

I interacted with the counter-protesters, many of whom mingled a while even after the WBC left.

Some of them were gay, some not. Some were college-age folks (whose placards took an antagonizing approach equal to that of the WBC), and others were like me, middle-aged and more subdued.

All of us showed up for one ultimate reason though - to let the members of the Westboro Baptist Church know that they don't speak for us, or for our God, whatever we conceive him to be.

In the end I failed to meet the devil today. I was a few minutes late, and the devil apparently had a plane to catch. I did make some new friends though, and in the paraphrased words of my friend Jane, despite occasional evidence to the contrary, I got firsthand confirmation that there are still more "nice people than f*cking idiots" in the world.

My new counter-protester friends Cara and Coco.

No Westboro Picket for Jobs Funeral

Apple Co-Founder and Former CEO

The funeral for Apple co-founder Steve Jobs was held last Friday, and it was a small private affair.

With the specific time and location of the funeral undisclosed, Westboro Baptist Church members, who had announced plans for another disgraceful "anti-gay" funeral protest, were left all dressed up with no place to go. Tough break for Fred, Margie, and Shirley Phelps, and their dysfunctional band of sadly brainwashed children.

On a personal note, since the only real "win" Westboro Baptist Church can ever have is public acknowledgement of their pathetic hatemongering, I continually struggle with the decision to post anything about them at all. At the same time, ignoring them completely and doing nothing is really hard for me. So, with my apologies, here you go - one more Westboro post. At least this time it was good news.

God Hates iPads? Westboro to Picket Funeral

Shirley (left) and Margie (right) - Faces of Insanity

According to the insane cult wackos of the Phelps family and their Westboro Baptist Church, deceased technology pioneer Steve Jobs has gone to hell. To bring attention to Jobs' evil (and themselves), the church has announced plans to picket Jobs' funeral.

You can be certain they will raise high their patented "God Hates Fags" placards, and I'm sure they are busily wasting their limited brain power, even as I write this, thinking of horrible and kitschy Apple-specific slogans to brandish.

Margie Phelps' iPhone Tweet

Margie Phelps, who serves with her sister Shirley as an operational leader of the group, has tweeted several times - via her iPhone - that Steve Jobs "served self, not God" and "spent his days teaching sin." The Twitter community quickly noted the irony of the iPhone-generated tweets and pointed this out to Phelps who replied - "Rebels mad cuz I used iPhone to tell you Steve Jobs is in hell. God created iPhone for that purpose!"

I always thought the iPhone was heaven-sent, and thanks to Phelps' acknowledgement that God actually created the iPhone, we now have the definitive confirmation.

I don't know how to feel about the folks at Westboro, and I am not sure how one combats such unteachable stupidity, and dare I say, evil. I've ruled out the idea of driving my car on to the sidewalk during their picket and martyring the whole lot of them because I'm not prone to violence (however appropriate it may feel in my gut in this instance).

I am open to any other creative counter-protest ideas that are out there though (like the drive-by concert so perfectly executed by the Foo Fighters).

If Jobs' funeral is near Palo Alto where he lived (and about 15 minutes from where I live), I may well attend just for the opportunity to face down evil, as we celebrate the life of someone who brought so much good to the world.

Steve Jobs - Dead at 56

Timing is everything.

Just yesterday I posted the "Gospel According to Apple" with Steve Jobs at the godlike center of my humorous poke at the cult of Mac, and today, he is gone.

History will be kind to Mr. Jobs, and we will look back with a grateful eye at the technological revolution he led.

RIP Steve.

iPhone 4S and the Gospel According to Apple

Mock up iPhone4S

In the beginning, Jobs created iPod.

And iPod was without beauty and not sleek, and no phone calls could be made.

And the evening and morning were the second day.

And the spirit of Jobs moved through the hallways.

And Jobs said let there be backlight, and there was.

And Jobs called unto developers and sayeth, give to me connection. And lo, the iPhone came to be.

And the evening and morning were the third day.

And the iPhone begat iPhone2, who begat iPhone 3, who begat iPhone 3GS, who begat iPhone 4.

And Jobs blessed them all with apps and video and wireless connectivity.

And the evening and morning were the fourth day.

And Jobs sayeth, let the developers bring forth touchscreen that I may use only the tips of my fingers. And Jobs brought forth iTouch and soon iPad1, with screen so broad and bright.

And when iPad1 had no webcam, Jobs created iPad2 so that others may broadcast fruitfully and have dominion over tablets everywhere.

And the evening and morning were the fifth day, and Jobs sayeth behold my successor, a new king shall Cook for all.

And Cook brought forth the iPhone4S and those on earth rejoiced and live blogged. Behold a new OS is born with more speed and power.

And the angels made music in the Cloud. And new tools abounded for browser and camera and mail.

And Jobs saw all that he had created and he said unto them, behold all that I have blessed you with. I have made much, and it is good. Go forth and upgrade.

And the evening and morning were the sixth day. Tomorrow, rest.

Apple's New Corporate Headquarters - Spaceship, Doughnut, Pentagon

The available renderings of Apple's planned new corporate office building in Cupertino, CA are drawing some interesting criticisms.

All the descriptions I have read so far about the building seem to ring true - it is kind of like a spaceship, but sort of like a giant doughnut, and it does also remind you of a new-fangled Pentagon (an oddly accurate comparison since it is actually a giant circle).

In the New Yorker, Paul Goldberger ponders whether this could be a sign that Apple has finally "jumped the shark" (though in a corporate-decline way, not in a Happy Days-will-be-a-shitty-TV-show-from-now-on way). His argument is that overly-grandiose office buildings have indicated in the past that a company has lost touch with reality (and ultimately and fatally with its own consumer base). I somehow doubt that's the case, but perhaps the next decade will prove me wrong.

UPDATE: iPhone 5 Prototype Goes Missing in SF Bar

The plot thickens. There have been some internet reports that Apple didn't actually lose an iPhone 5 prototype. There are a few more specific details in this SF Chronicle article, which substantiates the original rumor that the prototype was actually lost. The article explains why there was no public police report about the incident - "Police found later that there was no record of the officers' involvement because Apple did not want a report created. As the organization that had lost property, it had that right, [SF Police Chief] Suhr said."

San Francisco Police have been assisting Apple, Inc. with the search for an unidentified item that went missing in a SF bar. While it hasn't been explicitly stated, clues and reports indicate that Apple's lost item is an iPhone 5 prototype. Oddly enough, this is not the first time Apple has had this problem. Rumors are that a previous iPhone prototype had been left at Harry's Hofbrau, a Redwood City cafeteria-style restaurant. For a company that emphasizes so much secrecy around their new technologies, Apple folks seem to have a hard time keeping their phones in their pants.