Yes, Lady at Starbucks, I Hear You

Yes, lady at Starbucks, I hear you. Everyone does. How could I not?

When you walked in the front door, I heard your flaming orange blazer announce your arrival. When you came and sat down at the next table over, I heard the hard screechy slide of your chair across the tiles. I know, chairs are heavy. I’m sure you don’t have a great deal of experience moving them, as someone usually pulls them out for you. I also heard the loud rap your keys made when you smacked them on the tabletop. Who knew keys slammed down aggressively on a pressed wood table could produce that many decibels?

“Oh my God, Cindy, I know.” Yes, I overheard your cell phone conversation. Don’t be angry with me for eavesdropping though. I swear I turned up the music on my iPod as loud as it would go, but I just couldn’t drown you out. Sorry. One quick note, though. About the other conversation you are having at the same time with that guy you came in with. He is only about a foot and a half away from you. Just wasn’t sure you could tell.

Hey, I hear raucous laughter. Good to know you have a sense of humor. I don’t know what was said, but it had to be Guinness Book funny. I bet no one else has that annoying look-at-me laugh that you have. Well, no one but Fran Drescher, maybe. How special for both of you. And that sneeze – well, you did cover your mouth, and for that I should be grateful.

Another cell phone call? What a fun and crazy ringtone? Where did you get that – annoyingshit.com? I don’t know how you “going to Houston is going to help the situation at all,” but the good news is that your caller, and everyone else in Starbucks, now knows that we should be puzzling over the question.

I’m just not sure Starbucks is the right place for you. It really is noisy in here with that group of kids across the room and that blender they run behind the counter. Good thing you’re able to project so well. I bet that guy you’re with appreciates it, and I’m certain the person on the phone does. No one likes to strain to hear. You’re just thoughtful that way I suppose.