Baby Calming Contest Should Replace Debates

President Obama with baby at SFO

President Obama landed at San Francisco International Airport on Tuesday, and he swung into action immediately.

Upon seeing a crying 6 month-old baby, the President approached the mother, took the baby into his arms, and bounced and cooed little Josie until she calmed down.

Consider the skills the Commander-in-Chief demonstrated in this unscheduled event:

- Proactive and effective problem-solving

- Skilled and confident decision-making

- Maintaining calm in the face of a crisis

And most importantly...

- Coddling (a critical skill for interacting with egomaniacal congressional leaders)

As I read about this innocent little incident on the tarmac, I began to imagine how the field of Republican Presidential candidates would have handled the situation. 

I propose that in place of the current candidate debates, with their well-defined procedural rules and canned questions, we simply line the candidates up along the stage and hand each of them a wailing infant. The whole event could be televised and moderated by Florence Henderson.

[Insert dream sequence music and wavy transition images.]

Florence: Governor Romney, please take your baby.

Romney: I'd rather not go first. I prefer to just sit back and wait until the other candidates screw things up with their babies.

Florence: Mr. Cain?

Cain [holds baby high up over his head]: 9-9-9, little one. 9-9-9. Well, if you're hungry and you have no money, it's your own damn fault, you lazy ass baby.

Florence: Mr. Perry...your baby.

Perry [ignores baby]: Do you see how reluctant Mitt is to take on a crying baby? You know, when he was governor of Massachusetts he handled babies just like Obama did. In Texas, our babies don't cry.

Florence: Mrs. Bachmann. You're up.

Bachmann [holds baby frighteningly close to her bosom and whispers]: It's okay, little one. My husband and I hate homosexuals too, littering up our streets like garbage. No worries, God'll get 'em.

Florence: Ummm...thank you for that Mrs. Bachmann. Mr. Paul, your turn. Never mind, no one cares.

Paul: .......

Florence: Mr. Gingrich?

Gingrich [sets baby on podium]: I understand the American people are tired of big government. We need a mature proven leader. We must address our massive deficit, unemployment, and our serious foreign policy issues. [looks at crying baby] Okay, let me be totally honest with you, this whole "president" thing just seemed like something to do. I like talking, but I never really liked babies.

Florence: Mr. Santorum, it's your baby.

Santorum [holds baby under one arm]: Well, I have to agree with Mrs. Bachmann. Homosexual babies must be stopped. These tiny gay Americans are ruining the fabric of family life, with their sissy moaning and their queer slobber. Does this suit make me look gay?

Florence: It's just a baby, Mr. Santorum. But, thank you, I guess. Let's move on, finally, to Ambassador Jon Huntsman. Or do you prefer Governor Huntsman?

Huntsman [smiles and holds quiet sleeping baby in his arms]: Shhhh. You just have to use your head and keep the noise down. 

Florence: Congratulations Mr. Huntsman. Well done, and well said. I hope America is watching and listening. Thank you and goodnight.